If you are open to the world of dating, I am sure you would find it intriguing to learn more about the motivation behind the desire to establish a relationship with a certain kind of a potential partner. Before it is too late, I offer you to learn more about what type of unaware motivation hides behind some very bad dating choices. As I am sure, we all have THAT one friend who clearly is walking on thin ice just for being in a relationship. From the outside, it is easy to tell when something in the relationship is not functioning as it should be. When it is all but love, somehow everyone around seems to notice except for the parties involved.
And, when it comes to our own dating choices, very often we are unable to see the full picture ourselves. The famous Southamerican psychologist María Elena Badillo defines motivation as an impulse that invites us to remain in action. And there certainly is an impulse that makes us keep on dating. The question is whether it is just an attempt to compensate for a lack of something or a genuine wish to find a life partner to share one's happiness with.
There is always a motivation as to why people choose to linger in a certain relationship. Unconsciously, the old fairy tail of the Prince Charming that slays the dragon is still at the back of our minds, and we still hold on to this idea that something outside of us must resolve our lives. Very often we jump into dating just because we need the other person.
Dating expectations, the dragons to slay
Everyone has limitations and their weak points. And that is sometimes what holds the relationships together. The most apparent of examples may be a mistreated housewife that cannot pack her suitcases and leave only because financially she depends on her husband. Or it may be a couple that has an amazing sex life but everything else is just a distaster. It may be just a relationship for status to look good in the eyes of the society.
Those three examples portray 3 different kinds of dragons that one expects the life partner to slay. One is poverty, the other one - lack of affection and the last one - bad reputation. As it can be seen, it is all about lack and scarcity. However, there is no doubt that it lays a poor foundation to a happy and satisfying relationship.
To understand the whole picture of what types of dragons we may be inclined to expect our future date to slay, let's take a look at the famous Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs which is among the best-known motivation theories. It includes 5 sections of the most important needs of a person. Therefore, it also explains the 5 basic motivations that a person can have, including the motivations that lead us to dating.
The dragons to slay in dating can be associated with physical needs, safety needs, love and belonging, esteem and self actualization. To be more precise, with the lack of satisfaction in these areas.
What should you know about the hierarchy of needs?
To understand better how our motivations drive us to choose our potential dating candidates, let's learn more in depth about the hierarchy of needs.
The hierarchy of needs is based on physical needs meaning that the body needs everything for homeostasis which ensures the survival of the organism. It includes the necessary amount of hydration and nutrition, cold and heat etc. that enable the organism to be in a comfortable state.
The next step is safety needs. In olden days, it meant being safe from predators that endanger one's life. Nowadays, it is more related to financial matters, meaning that one has enough resources to be able to provide for his/her physical and safety needs - to have a home to hide from storms, roof over the head, etc.
The middle step is love and belonging which means that a person needs a group that he/she belongs to and people to turn to for help. It is necessary for the person not to feel alone in the world, to have someone that cares and have someone to care for.
The penultimate step is esteem. One needs to know that he/she is appreciated, doing things well and adding value. And, finally, self-actualization - something that is related to our mission in life, something that will stay after our death.
What is the meaning of hierarchy of needs in dating?
To understand what is the secret motivation lying in dating someone in particular, one should simply assess which of the steps from the hierarchy of needs provides the most satisfaction.
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Physical needs.
If a person is very physical and the most pleasure is derived from eating, drinking and bodily pleasures (such as massages, sex, etc), it is very probable that the physical needs will be the most important for someone in dating. It would be someone who is saying:”If there is chemistry between us, nothing else matters.” The motivation for dating in this case would be hugs, caresses and sex. And that takes us back to the example of the couple that stays together only because of their amazing sex life despite the many red flags - it is not a serious relationship, one does not feel appreciated, there is mistreat, etc.
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Safety needs
In case one comes from a poor family that never had enough food or clothing for everyone, one's motivation may lie in working all the time, earning and saving money. Someone whose main motivation is based on safety needs when dating will look for someone that can protect them. This person may have experienced mistreating and negligence in their childhood. Later in life they may find themselves doing a job that they do not like only because it seems like a safe place to be or dating someone they believe will never leave them. In dating they appreciate it when someone takes care of them, protects them, calls them just to ask what they had for breakfast or takes home from work after an evening shift.
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Love and belonging
Someone that has felt abandoned and alone in their childhood, is motivated by simply being accepted. If love and belonging is the main motivation, the person will be unwilling to do anything alone. Even when going shopping they may need someone's assistance. They will look for a group to belong to in order to feel they belong to something bigger than themselves. When dating, this person will need approval of their decisions and encouragement that they are good enough as they are. The perfect dating candidate would spend all their time with them and introduce them to family, colleagues and friends.
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Esteem
This motivation is associated with having experienced rejection and exclusion. And it does not mean only direct bullying but it may have manifested itself in loving too much. It means that parents did not believe in one's abilities to stand on one's own feet. The person with esteem as their main motivation is eager to simply be appreciated and praised for having done things well. When dating it will be of utmost importance for this person to receive compliments.
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Self-actualization
The person whose motivation lies in self-actualization, is often obsessed with perfection. There has been a lot of pressure and many demands from parents in their childhood. Nothing ever seems to be enough. They are always searching for something new that may help them to improve and finally be enough: a new guru, job, hobbies, books etc. They disapprove of themselves and try to look for something outside themselves to finally feel complete. That is the dating story about someone dating in order just to have the perfect partner. It may not be a happy relationship but if it looks perfect, that must be it!
Learn to take care of yourself
It is interesting how people imagine that someone else may take better care of their own needs as they do not want to become actively responsible for certain areas of their lives. For example, Instead of becoming more independent in financial matters, a person may decide to pass that responsibility to someone they are dating. Their economic well-being, therefore, depends on dating. And that is what has created such personalities as Tinder Swindler or the beau of Bad Vegan.
If you expect someone to pay compliments to you, just give a compliment to yourself. And if you hope that dating may mean finally savouring a nice meal in a beautiful restaurant, learn to prepare delicious meals yourself or just go to a nice place to have lunch on your own. After all, dating someone only for food, sex, their family or just to have someone always around is quite sad.
In order to avoid some bad dating choices in the future, you may start by learning to become more aware of your own needs. It is my wish to all my blog readers!